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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.