Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys