Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”