Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.