I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!