I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Hank is one in a melon.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving