We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals