I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.