me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.