Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.