I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My birth announcement for our third baby