Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
you gotta be faster
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.