How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
🙀🙀🙀😹
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers