me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
as is their right