Gemma Correll
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
TODAY
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog