Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.