Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.