I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious