Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.