Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I feel this so hard
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive