security at the airport getting more straightforward
You Might Also Like
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.