*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.