*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah