2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You Might Also Like
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp