my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
hi why am I like this
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.