*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
who will stop them
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.