My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
sistine chapel
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.