I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.