My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in