Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
The Sun
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.