[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Is this a threat?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.