Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
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Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
this could fix me
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave