Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …