The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark