Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
You deplete me
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?