Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*pokes sex life with a stick
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
NASA has no chill
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
tinder is all about the long game
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!