BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
live long and prosper!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking