idk what this dog had been going through but same
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Herpes is trending, good job people
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
She puts the hot in psychotic
How to properly lift a body
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
This kid is a star!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.