“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
You learn something every day
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
listen closely
bought wrong eggs
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.