I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
True.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
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