guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?