Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
This probably isn’t good
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Rooting for the overdog
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Autocarrot sucks!