An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.