When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Ain’t no way
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
man: wait
time: no
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.