My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Smells like a challenge to me
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”