if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking