I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Do one person every day that scares you.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]