Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.