When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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Good point.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”