I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
no their not
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?